Why date a single dad or mom.
My crumbling past had destroyed me and transformed me.
I had left my previous relationship and past, and become.... super mom.
Each hour for nine years of my life had revolved around my kids and my job. I was a woman of routine, dedicated to making sure the kids were never dropped off too early or picked up late, always making sure we had snacks and balanced meals.. sometimes feeding them a bowl of cereal while laying in bed together.
Even when my life was falling apart, I would get to work early and I would often stay very late. I had gotten more than one promotion a year, every year and managed to hide the ugly truth of abuse and hardship and single parent life from friends and family and even my children.
Then, I met a man who had his equal, very different, below the surface, same share of hardships. I could tell, he’d been through some shit, only he wasn’t bitter and angry like I was.
Nelson was the kind of guy who genuinely liked doing things for people. He was the kind of guy who would spend weekends helping friends build things, help his parents clean their gutters and ... he would be the kind of guy who would spend the rest of his life being nice to me... if I let him.
And the truth is .. I didn’t want to let him… but I did.. its all I wanted.
only, I had walls, a castle with a moat, I was an island, a stone.
I knew how to fix the sink myself, to pay mortgage, daycare bills and fix my car. It had taken me a long time to become this self-sufficient machine to handle work, shoveling the driveway and being there for every one of my kids’ milestones, alone.
I didn’t want to let this kind-hearted manly man into my heart and into my home where he most definitely would do the dishes without being asked, Or shovel the driveway when it snowed. I didn’t want to accept any kindness, or to owe kindness... except I kinda did want to.
I realized once he said I understood him more than anyone he knew, I liked him, I liked him too much.
I liked his dumb bright green eyes and stupid long black eyelashes that only men seem to have. I liked his smile, I looooooved his voice, I like that he had suffered and survived.
I hated how much I liked him, wanted him.. to be in his arms and I didn’t want to get used to him or want him or worse, need him.
I was scared because men all seem to have that one thing in common: they would leave, and if they didn’t leave willingly, they all have stupid .. mortal bodies that will most definitely die one day, and leave.
All I could think about was how He was here, and it was only a matter of time before he was not. \
I was so afraid of losing again, I couldn’t love.
For 6 years, I’d get so close and into the present and immediately pull myself out. That’s when I learned that unexpected goodness (like.. love.) is as large and overwhelming as an unexpected tragedy.
Sudden.
And that’s exactly how I fell in love with him,
suddenly.
He was hot. He had a manly hot look to him.
There is nothing strange about comparing a new potential suitor to your former loves. I’ve done this on every single first date I’ve ever been on. It might not be “fair” to expect a new person to meet or exceed a standard that somebody else had months or years to set or ruin.
I did it. I did it with Nelson, flabbergasted at how easily he stepped over every single one of my very low bars for male interaction.
I didn’t WANT to compare Nelson, but it was nearly impossible.
I wanted to have a date. I wanted a date, I’ve never had one before! but how? every day was reserved for living in my past when would I have time for the present?
The truth is, the moment I opened the door to him, I stopped cataloging the differences between what I wanted, what he was, and what I knew to be true, and slipped into the present moment and fell so hard.
It wasn’t an intentional shit, it was an intercept-able magnetic pull into the present moment... probably emanating from Nelson‘s beautiful.. ugh, unbelievably gorgeous green eyes and long eyelashes that only men are born with because life is unfair. His eyes said to my soul, “I see you, I’m listening” and “we were born for each other.”
I was a single mom. I’ve been a single mom since I was a teenager.
I know what it’s like to be in the dating game as a single mother because honestly, it’s all I ever knew.
And to be more honest, I don’t think Nelson ever would’ve found me on a dating app or online for a few reasons.
“Single parent” especially being a “single mom” gets a bad rap, and it’s much bigger than just pop culture and media who give it a bad rap, it is the condition of our culture.
“Teen mom” has even a worse one.. and also the little fact that I have “two babies from different men.”
He never would have seen “young single mother of a toddler and tween” and swiped whatever way means yes.
The loss would have been entirely been his, obviously! Because it’s my momness that makes me such a good partner for him.
If it were ethical I would just loan Nelson and I out to every single or searching woman and man so they could see what they were missing.
Instead, I will just encourage you all to open your eyes, your search criteria, and hearts to include parents for these enticing reasons:
Why date a single dad or mom:
They’re not going to waste your time. They don’t have any time to waste because soccer is at 6:30PM and they are done work at 5PM, daycare ends at 5:30PM, dinner needs to be made in between... there is a school play on Wednesday, dance on Saturday and lunches need to be packed and the clothes need to be washed.. so if it’s not going to work, you are going to know real quick.
They’ll gently check your ego.
I grew up in the era of Celine Dion and then Taylor Swift era and I believed that falling in love was all “near, far, wherever you are” and “dancing in the rain.” I also believed that love was mostly a topless guy ducking out of a beach volleyball game early for you..
Just like all of the other generations, you probably learned that the idea of romantic love was that your world would revolve around each other and “it’s not love unless this person is everything to you and you are everything to them and both of you give up everything to be with each other,”
Nothing helps you chill more than realizing you will never be the most important person in your new partner’s life.
Aiming for a copper or silver medal at best takes so much pressure off of the situation for both of you. You don’t need to be this person’s everything because they already have a rich and full life outside of you.
They have other people in their life, maybe even small people who don’t even know how to wipe their own butts, and those small people will always come before you. This is good for you! Because you will realize that having a relationship doesn’t mean that you need to sacrifice everything you enjoy at the altar of love, it means adding something great to your already awesome life.
3. They look out for everything and everyone. “Does this milk smell OK?” “Do you smell ..gas?” ” do I need a helmet?”
Don’t you worry.
A parent has already poured out the bad milk, called the gas company to come out “just in case” and clipped a helmet under your chin with the exact amount of slack to keep you comfortable and secure.
Oh! And your CAA membership has been renewed before the expiration deadline.
4. They will feed you! Anybody who has been responsible for a small person knows that snacks are KEY. They will always have a snack available on them, be thinking about your next snack, or will constantly check-in and be prepared to stop the car to get you a snack. Dinner is at a regular time, every day, and their fridge has food, and if you ever want to know where to buy the best quality produce or milk for the cheapest prices and where the closest Costco is? cue the violins.
This is real romance.