SEX, there is a lack of it lately. Is it just me?
My wife is 29 weeks pregnant, works full time, plus we have 2 kids- so weeknight sex is probably out of the question. But the weekend rolls around and usually nothing. Sometimes we go 2 or 3 weeks and when we do it’s usually just a “quickie.” Am I the only one who’s passionate?
I know sex isn’t everything, but I sit there and think about it all before I go to sleep, I can’t help but think is this what I’m in for for the rest of my life ?
Sexually Frustrated Husband
Hey Frustrated Husband,
Ughhh... man. Been there, still am some days!
Honestly, it’s exhaustion, hormones and the “ughhhh” of life. I totally can see how you might think you may be the root cause of it, but that’s “mostly” not true... I mean, after all.. YOU are the reason your wife if pregnant... ha ha ha, okay, teasing aside- It’s not actually you, BUT there are things you need to do in order to help, and maybe even “get some.” It’s hard to not feel left out, and your ego takes bit of a hit, especially if this is your first baby, but even if it’s your 4th child, it’s hard to understand why all os a sudden your wife is turned off when in the last year or so, you’ve had amazing sex life, and all a sudden it takes a plunge.
It’s takes a plunge because of allll the shit going on in life, then add pregnancy to the mix. Your wife’s body is working double time. Basically, women are superhero’s, and they don’t slow down, like ever- even when they should. As I can tell from her working a full time job, being a full time mom, AND growing a baby, she’s doing a lot and she’s probably exhausted.
Being a mom is exhausting, and hard.
It’s the leaking from the vagina... (pregnant woman have discharge all day every dayyyy, sometimes its really leaky and unflattering, and we feel gross if we have to wear a pad all day in the summer.)
It’s our nipples getting ready for the little baby, (who’s about to want them more than you.) They are sensitive, and painful to touch OR its the opposite, we might feel nothing at all- no sensation and it doesn’t turn us on to touch us.
Some women may be horny during pregnancy, and others completely turned off, and every pregnancy is completely different, that means this pregnancy is different than ones before.
As women, and as mothers, we always tend to put others first. It all comes down to self-care. We need that time, we need your help to get it. And that’s the whole point of the rest of this article.
How do you help your wife, and in return, get your intimacy needs met.
First rule, don’t only do this stuff because you want sex. You’re going to help your wife, because you love her, and because you both need that connection and affection.
Have an unexpected coffee dates- often.
Find someone to watch the kids for a few hours, or go to a play place, let the kids run wild, grab a coffee, and sit across from each other. IKEA, and McDonald’s have free play places AND coffee-WIN! Nelson and i like to tie this in with our weekly grocery store trips. We leave the kids when we can, grab a coffee in a coffee shop, sit and chat before walking into the grocery store.
Call in some resources, (either your mother or a cleaning service) then you send her away with an appointment time and a gift card to get her eyebrows, nails/ pedicure or something that she needs. Use your resources to plan them to either take the kids so you can clean, or a service to come clean for you, so you can take the kids out. Bonus if you make a deal with them to tell her they helped. ;)
Make her a coffee/ tea, or a glass of water, when she doesn’t ask.
Try to put in the work, and do the above. If money is tight, it’s WAY worth it to drop a few coffees a week to help your wife. But if can’t do any of the above, picking up extra chores, and doing the dishes before she even gets up, thinks about it or has to ask THAT is a panty dropper.
It’s that “being ahead” feeling, and the act of random kindness/ appreciation that goes a looooong way. TRUST ME.
There was a point in our relationship when I was struggling mentally. Nelson noticed I really needed more help. He started doing the dishes every day. He started bringing me water and randomly making me a coffee, snack and forcing me to take a break in his deep stern sexy voice.
I remember the first time. I walked into the kitchen and there he was doing the dishes, by hand. It took me a few times to get used to him doing it! The third day of walking in on him doing the dishes after a long day in a physically demanding job, I wanted to take down his pants and blow him in the kitchen right there. because omg.. what’s hotter than a man in Calvin Klein boxers doing dishes after a long hard day at work. He would then help me put the kids to bed, which in our house is a huge, exhausting event.
The point is, you’ve just got to love her, before you “need love.” You know?
Tell her she’s beautiful today.
Text her right now and tell her how much you miss her, and cant wait to kiss her later.
Never underestimate the power of giving your wife a huge hug and kiss, while telling her how much you love her when she gets home from work.
When she gets ready in the morning make sure you tell her that you love her hair, or that shirt she is wearing. Like most women, I spend every morning of my day getting dressed and putting on make up or doing my hair, to look sexy for Nelson. I do it because I wanna look beautiful to him. If you just take that few seconds to notice all of the work we put in, it just makes us feel soooo good. A simple “baby, you look sooo good, I think we should go out for lunch because you cant just do laundry looking like that!” *insert hip thrusts*
As women, we have a lot that we need to do! In todays culture, we constantly feel the pressure to need to do everything, do it perfectly, never complain, and smile like you love it.
Men on the other hand, only have one thing that they “need to” do.. as a social standard and that’s not to be perceived as weak.
Recognizing that, and that It’s OKAY to do the dishes, even if your male friends will tease otherwise. (At the end of the day, it’s you in a happy marriage. Let your friends learn that lesson on their own.) Your wife works extremely hard and household chores are not her job. More women are working in today’s world, and somehow society has not caught up with household chores, many women are working and STILL doing the greater share of household work, AND growing a baby.. So the next time your wife reaches for a vacuum, jump in and say “hey, relax, I’ve got it.”
Doing some of the above, and doing it everyday, when night rolls around and you want to have sex, she will feel more relaxed, less frazzled, less exhausted, and more willing to reciprocate.
Sometimes when we have been in a relationship for a while, we sometimes forget that we need to put in the work. I promise that if you remind yourself to love her through small tasks throughout the day, and keep them consistent.. not just because you want some sex.. it goes a looooong way.
Just love her, show her how beautiful she is.. sometimes it’s helpful to even point out the things that she’s doing that you’ve noticed.. “did you vacuum? Jesus.. you do so much!”
Nelson held me the other day and whispered into my ear “You do so much for this family. you’re so amazing. You’re what holds this circus together. I love you so fucking much!” It made me cry. just him noticing how much we do.. we all do better under Praise.
Also/ it won’t always be like this, but if you step in now and start stepping up your amazing dad/partner game.. it will help in the loooong run.
If you can secretly get over some resources to help tidy the house and get everything “ahead of” instead of “behind” even if that means taking the day off work and cleaning the shit out of everything.. or fixing what she’s been begging to be fixed.. it really takes a lot off of our minds. When we don’t have anything to do, and things are off our minds.. we have time to take care of ourselves.
Psst, it’s okay to set an alarm or reminder to remind you to compliment her, to love her, to show affection or to even do the dishes. it’s easy to get distracted. Also! In the main group, today’s question is “what does your partner do to make you feel loved....” Start reading! And doing some of those things again. 😍
It’s easy to get sucked into a routine of boring and expectations.. admittedly, for me I suck myself into It all the time. fall in love with the goddess she is, and help her see it too.
also, hormones are 100% the factor... thanks BABY. What makes hormones level a little is proper nutrition, exercise and sleep! (All of the things pregnant women struggle with.) also/ don’t ever say anything if you want to live. Start helping her without her knowing by making a salad with dinner, making her lunches, bringing her lunches, getting up and making a hearty breakfast. Offer a park date every day that you can with the kids and just sit and have coffee (fresh air will tire the kids and help her brain breathe- win, win.)
And sleep. If you have other kids, start getting up,m if they wake. Get them ready for school in the am so she can get that few extra minutes sleep.. Nelson puts the kids to bed so I can have some “me time” and get ready for bed. I love to brush my teeth and wash my face and put face cream on in SILENCE.. it’s calming.. and when he puts the kids to bed, it’s less annoyance for me.
Honestly, it’s going to be work.. but it WORKS.. and it makes a lasting relationship.
I know a lot of men, even some of Nelson‘s best friends that would laugh at this advice.. they believe that their women, that’s their job, and they need to do the stuff by themselves... it’s true. That just creates resentment. More women are working, and the world hasn’t caught up yet, men are still doing less and women are still doing most of the work around the house and holding jobs! sooooo yeah. Get my point?
Sorry, I love this topic.. and when I get a chance to express myself.. IT FEELS GOOD.
WARNING: I can not be held responsible for the way your wife may react to my advice. She may want more babies, maybe she will want to give too many blow jobs, you may be the best man ever.
Okay okay okay... LAST thing I swear.
Best advice ever- “just stop and get the flowers for no reason. Just do it. “ or any small gift that can be super inexpensive!! (Like maybe a coffee mug, that says “good morning gorgeous.” Order something from amazon, or indigo (the good morning gorgeous coffee cup is from indigo.))