A goddess in the making.
Tomorrow is a really big day for me. Trigger warning. A Gynaecological- surgeon will be starting the process of reconstructing my vulva.
As most of you know from previous posts; as a child I was touched sexually by another child, he had left a device on my labia, that I couldn’t get off-for three weeks. I would try to hide this from my mom, until she had found the leakage of gangrene in my underwear when doing laundry- resulting in an ER trip and countless Child Protection workers- but never a psychologist. The pieces of my labia that were black were supposed to fall of.. some did- some didn’t.. so I was left with a mangled vulva that I have completely disconnected with. I was then raped in 2008 and then over and over again by someone I was in an abusive relationship with- teaching me all I know about how sex feels, and what I thought was my bodies worth. I also had three unplanned pregnancies and two live births as a single mother in that time.
Then, I met Nelson. He’s a sex god.
It’s taken me until 28 years old, to start to take ownership of my body back.
To love myself, to learn how to love myself through how much Nelson loves me.
I have been seeing a therapist, psychologist, sex therapist, and Tantra Coach.. who have all supported me in my journey to connecting with my body again.
I’m terrified, of having a mental breakdown- that my PTSD will be triggered from previous trauma, making this a traumatic experience. SO I’m doing my best to really focus on how much this will mean for me, to have the ripped piece of my labia removed so I can enjoy the pleasure of sex with whatever nerves I have left... is a big deal for me. Nelson will be by my side, I am ever so grateful for such a caring and understanding man.. who supports me fully.
In the weeks of recovery I’ve got research from therapists, books and exercises to learn how to have sex, enjoy sex, and reclaim my womanhood. I’m ready to be connected to my yoni. To love myself, to truly be available when having sex. This is so much more than removing a permanent physical scar, this is about sex, on so many deeper levels. A rebirth of my sex life, my body, my energy, and me. A goddess in the making.